The Culprit (Part 3): Founding Fathers and/or my Parents

(This marks another edition of my on-going series, “The Culprit”, wherein I investigate, uncover, and eventually rightfully bestow proper blame for my lack of fitness on others… because this is America… so it can’t be my fault.  Feel free to read Part 1 or Part 2)

Over the past week or so, a new and very powerful culprit has reared its ugly head, threatening my nutrition, health, and utter existence.  The root problem is a particular personality trait… I am still unclear on who exactly is to blame for this trait, but one thing is for certain: It’s not my fault.

There a several apt descriptors for this particular idiosyncrasy that I possess… some perhaps pejorative, others slightly more gentle, but this is no place for delicacy: I am what Paul Ryan might call “fiscally responsible”.  I am what coupons books call a “wise shopper”.  I am what car companies call “economical”.  I am what others might call “frugal” or “parsimonious”.  I am what my friends might call “a cheap stingy bastard”.

More specifically, I like free things.  More to the point for our purposes here… I cannot resist free food.  And when I say “cannot resist”, I mean I am completely physically and mentally incapable of passing up free food.  And when I say “passing up”, I mean not gorging myself.  Also, it’s roughly 35 times worse if the free food item happens to be cookies.  If cookies are involved… all hope is lost.

“It’s free!  I’d be an idiot NOT to eat as much as possible.  In fact, I should probably eat it all as fast as possible, just in case at any point it becomes un-free.”

I was reminded of this character trait (flaw?) over the past week when I was blessed (cursed?) to be the recipient of a good deal of free food for various unrelated reasons.  It doesn’t really matter if it’s free donuts at the office or free dinner thanks to a visiting family member… if it’s free I’m going to consume food until the situation is socially awkward… and then I’m going to at least double my previous consumption.  Free food supersedes social capital, not to mention self respect and any potential diet goals.

So, why?  Why is it so impossibly irresistible?

That answer is easy: I love freedom.

The question is, who is to blame for this insatiable love of freedom (especially in its food form).  As I see it, there are two potential culprits:

1) The founding fathers (of Amuricka)… Ultimately, they are to blame for inventing freedom before any other country or civilization even ventured a passing thought at the notion.  It must be, in part, due to their influence that I love freedom so much (and thus, freeness so much).  If I had to blame one in particular, I think I’d go with James Madison… mostly because he was a little guy and I could probably beat him up.

2) My parents, who (as you’ll see) may or may not harbor communist tendencies, raised me in such a way that I should live within my means, save money, and try to spend it wisely on things that are “needs” not Americaneeds or “wants”.  Obviously, this is not the Amurickan way… and I’ve since thrown off the ridiculous ideologies of my hopelessly outdated upbringing and plan to max out all my credit cards (don’t worry, I’ll pay the monthly minimum), purchase a(nother) house I can’t afford, and buy whatever car is the current sponsor of the NBA… what’s that?  oh.  Kia?  Well, then I’ll just take whatever car is the biggest so I can complain more than my neighbors about gas prices.

Despite having distanced myself from these fanciful childhood principles, there is a chance that some relic has stood by… and in the category of “food”, I cannot be swayed from my love of free…dom/ness.  However, if that is the case… if this particularity is unshakable… at least we can all agree: I am not to blame.

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Training has been going well, save for some troublesome knee issues.  (that might get its own post in the near future).  After a longer run last Saturday, I’ve just been cycling to try to give my knee a break.  Distance: 5.2mi run on Satday, 26.0mi bike on Sunday, 20.9mi bike on Tuesday, 20.6mi bike on Thursday.  Pretty soon I’ll be looking to log that kind of distance in just a single ride, but it’s been nice to start a little easy (although Tuesday’s bike through the Arboretum was pretty tough…)

Food: C  see above

Magic number: 219 lbs.  Not bad considering the recent diet collapse…